Be gone Weggie....and stress

Summer is here and my anniversary has gone by. That's right. My one year anniversary of getting diagnosed with Wegeners. However, it seems like this time last summer, I had a better wrangle on my disease than I do right now. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't seem to beat the bugger out of my system. It's a very long, uphill battle and I'm starting to get particularly frustrated with it all. Everything was going best kind until recently. My hand started to hurt, similar to the way it hurt when I first got diagnosed, my eye has been sore and swollen for weeks now and I've had sinus headaches EVERY DAY! Do you know the funny thing? There's one little 6 letter word that is hindering me from getting better. One little entity that exists in my life that I can't seem to get control of. One little terror that seems to get bigger and bigger every day......do you know what that is? Yup, STRESS!

I have a bunch of stuff going on my life that is stressing me out like you wouldn't believe. I've always had a problem with stress. I'm a very sensitive person who worries about other people, even when they don't give me the respect of giving "two hoots" about me. When someone is "mad" at me, or displeased with me for some reason, I can always tell. Then, I start to worry about it. Then, I drive myself insane coming up with various scenarios as to why this person is mad or what I could have possibly done to 'P' them off. Then, when it's someone who is, or should be, of some significance in my life, look out! I actually spend nights, lying awake, thinking about why this person is treating me the way they do! I don't understand, I'm not a bad person, or, at least I didn't think I was. So, why is this person making me feel like one? Why would someone turn around and treat me like I'm nothing when all I've done is welcome them in to my home and comfort them when they were down? I actually care about this person and just don't understand. So, see, this is what goes through my mind. This is what stresses me out.

Then, of course, there are the regular life stresses. You know, the day to day things. Money, work, this and that. So, they don't help either. Again, they're contributing to the whole lying awake at night thinking, thinking, thinking. Maybe that's my issue? Maybe that's why I stress so much? I think too much! The thing is, what people don't understand is, I can't handle stress like a normal person can. When someone does something to stress me out, it only makes me sicker! My disease is an auto-immune disease, and because of the chemo and pred, my immune system is compromised. Therefore, when a normal person gets stressed, the effects aren't as adverse as they are for me. I get sicker, or hinder my remission, which, unfortunately could lead to my death. All because of that stupid 6 letter word (oh yes, and the German one too, of course). So, please, I'm asking all of you. If you care about me at all or consider me a friend, please think about me before you act the way you do. Unfortunately, I need people around me who are going to walk on eggshells for awhile. Now, I'm not saying, "don't ever get mad at me because I'm sick", because, if I deserve, please, I'd rather know! I generally try to "Not" piss people off, but, some things are unavoidable at times. What I'm talking about, is, think twice about your actions before you do or say something. Think, "in the grand scheme of things, if I act this way toward L., is it really necessary? Unavoidable?". If the answer is yes, then, go ahead. If the answer is no, but, you have to search in the cockles of your heart to find that, then please, listen to it. I need everyone's help on this path to remission. I need love, support. I need to stop stressing out unecessarily!

While we're on the topic of stress, let's talk about prednisone. Now, THERE'S a stressor! I have gained so much weight in the past year, from the prednisone, that I don't even know what to do anymore. My doctors keep telling me the weight will come off when the pred goes down, but, it just seems like an eternity away. I'm sick of the pred now. I want to be finished with it! I no longer want to be its friend. I mentioned this to my rheumy the other day, well, maybe not so dramatically. He told me he wants to get me down to about 10mg per day as 7.5 is the amount of "pred" (or corticosteroid) which is naturally produced in your body by the adrenal gland. Once I'm down to this "magic number" as he put it, the adverse effects from the BIG P will be minimal. However, he did tell me that once I'm down to the number, they can then tweak my chemo dosage and move me to a less harmful drug called cellcept. This is more of a maintenance drug than anything else. However, I still can't get on with my life while on it. I'm at the age where all I can think about is my future, kiddies etc. While on these medications, I'm not allowed to get pregnant. When talked about the cellcept, I got a little excited, thinking, YAY, I can have babies in a couple of years! But, no, I can't have babies while on cellcept either!! What they'll need to do is find a time where I'm completely healthy, stop all the medications, let them flush out of my system for 3 months, then, start trying to get pregnant! The longer I'm off the meds, the more I risk getting sick! So, all in all, it sucks! The only good thing about the cellcept, is the fact I'll be getting rid of the chemo. The cellcept is much less harmful and doesn't cause crappy things like secondary cancers later on down the road.

Now, I don't mean to be a "Negative Nellie" today, but, I'm just having one of those days (weeks), ya know? I just want all my stressors to go away. Or, at least be able to handle them better than I do. I want people to really think about how what they're going to do or how they're going to act will affect (or is affecting) another person. Unless, of course they deserve it. But, most of all, I want this disease to go away. I'm ready for it go away. I let it in to my body for over a year now and it has certainly overstayed it's welcome. So, this is me kicking you out Wegener's. GET OUT!!